


Companionship

by twitchtipthegnawer



Series: Meteorites [5]
Category: Steven Universe (Cartoon)
Genre: Cuddling & Snuggling, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, F/F, Fluff and Angst, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Suicidal Thoughts
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-08-25
Updated: 2016-08-25
Packaged: 2018-08-10 23:47:05
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 890
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7866157
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/twitchtipthegnawer/pseuds/twitchtipthegnawer
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>She doesn't want to admit that there are backslides. It's so hard, when sometimes she feels almost right again. There are entire weeks now where everything feels normal, feels positive and even <i>fun.</i> And then some days she wakes up with stones in her limbs and she hates it more than she ever hated Jasper.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Companionship

On good days they’re fine. Better than fine, usually. They sit in front of the “television” and watch tapes, and while Lapis doesn’t care much about Peridot’s pairings and theories it is nice to see someone so enthusiastic. It’s strange to think of their first meeting, on those peaceful days. Homeworld and Earth feel a universe apart, literally.

On the worst days, Lapis wants to die.

She hasn’t admitted it out loud, and Peridot is kind of an idiot, so she doesn’t think anyone’s noticed yet. It’s not like she’s acted on it, either, she just… wants to. Honestly, she isn’t entirely sure why something deep inside her insists that she _shouldn’t,_ because it isn’t like there’s much for her to live for.

But when she thinks about the consequences, realistically, she knows what would happen. Steven would cry and cry and none of his Crystal Gems would quite know how to explain and Peridot would. Peridot would.

Lapis isn’t sure how Peridot would react. She isn’t one for big, emotional displays the way Steven is. She might get angry, might decide that Jasper is the one to blame and throw her back into convincing the others to shatter her. She could just as easily decide that it’s her own fault.

Sometimes, when she’s feeling particularly morbid, Lapis wonders what kind of meep morp Peridot would make in her memory. Peridot’s a perfectionist, so she’d want something to do with water. And she can engineer things, so perhaps a fountain of some kind?

It’s on one of the bad days that Peridot pokes at the pile of blankets Lapis had buried herself in. “Hey, hey, hey Lapis! I am going to the human ‘rental’ store soon, do you want to go with me?”

“No,” Lapis mumbled, barely projecting enough for Peridot to hear her through the layers of fabric.

“Well alright then,” Peridot replied, clearly miffed. And because she was an _idiot_ when it came to other people’s feelings, she actually walked away, leaving Lapis to wallow alone.

Usually, that was exactly what Lapis wanted. So much time being forced to be with someone else, to be _fused into_ someone else, had left her craving privacy. But today felt so dark and heavy already, like the weight of the ocean hadn’t left her, and Lapis’ stomach was churning something awful.

“Don’t go,” she said, so quiet. “Please.”

For a minute she was certain that Peridot hadn’t heard her, but then there was a shuffling sound and an answering, “What?” Peridot’s voice was too loud, grating on Lapis’ ears, but it was so much better than silence.

“Don’t… go.” It was harder to say the second time, for some reason, but Lapis managed a small flash of pride that she said it anyway.

Peridot inhaled deeply, finally noticing that Lapis had been acting oddly. “Oh, but of course,” she said, artificial cheeriness even more grating than her usual tone. “Would you like to watch more Camp Pining Hearts? I am aware that you are dubious about my pairings, but I think--”

“Yeah,” Lapis said. “Sure, let’s do that.” But she didn’t get up from her pile. She didn’t think she could, with how heavy her limbs felt.

“Alright,” Peridot said, then there was a beat of silence that hurt Lapis like a physical slap. “Any minute now?”

When a minute passed and Lapis still hadn’t shifted, Peridot’s hand pressed down on the blankets, small and light and hesitant. “Hey, would it be okay if I got in there with you?” Surprised, Lapis poked her head out of the blankets. Once the temporary blindness subsided, though, she nodded.

Worming her way in next to Lapis, Peridot seemed completely oblivious to the way that brushes against her skin made Lapis flinch. That was probably for the best, though; as nice as it was when she was around someone like Steven, who was sensitive to all of her issues, Lapis liked this sometimes too. The simplicity of being near someone who wouldn’t feel guilty for upsetting her, simply because Peridot didn’t _notice._

“Hey, check this out,” Peridot said, jamming her forearm in front of Lapis’ face. She pressed a button, and suddenly their little bundle was lit up from the inside, a cool blue that was too big and square and artificial to be a bioluminescent fish. “I can play _anything_ I like on this, using Earth’s primitive databases.”

“That’s cool,” Lapis said, her lips turning up at the corners. It wasn’t really a smile, but it was closer than she’d gotten all week.

As she watched Peridot click her way through pages that meant nothing to Lapis, she thought about prisons. Specifically, about prisons she condemned herself to. She’d rejected Steven both times he’d offered her freedom, whether it was from a cell on a Homeworld ship or the depths of the ocean. But this time, Peridot had offered-- not exactly freedom, because Lapis was still in the dark, enclosed space, but… companionship, warmth.

And for once, Lapis didn’t mind that in the slightest. The opening of Camp Pining Hearts played, something that Steven said was “cheesy” despite it having nothing to do with dairy. A current deep inside Lapis settled into stillness, and she realized that Peridots generate more ambient heat than Lapis Lazuli.

Inefficient as it was, it made her smile.

**Author's Note:**

>  **Me:** *Isn't feeling well*  
>  **Me:** Time to project all of my problems on fictional characters!
> 
> In all seriousness though, I love Lapis Lazuli and everything she represents. Please please show me more children's shows featuring characters going through what I went through as a child. Please teach kids different methods of comforting a friend for whom "normal" comforts might not help. Thank you Steven Universe for being absolute freaking gold.


End file.
